Money and Margaritas.....

Well, My weight is a little up today, but I"m glad I decided to take measurements too because I have lost an inch. Between Mother's Day and Mr. Man's birthday last week, I didn't really have as many good days as I would have hoped.

Started with a trip to take The Boy to the movies to go see The Amazing Spiderman 2. It was a lot of fun and we enjoyed ourselves a great deal, but mindlessly noshing on movie theater popcorn and sharing a coke with Mr. Man wasn't great for my weight. Then there was take out Chinese for Mother's day, 2 birthday cakes and after work cocktails last night. 

All of the overindulgence has led me to believe that I cannot trust myself when it comes to judging what is and is not a good choice in the heat of the moment yet. I am a slave to immediate gratification, a state of being that has been honed after years of giving into temptation followed by deprivation and an inevitable bout of gluttony. My mind tries to justify and condone eating things I know to be bad for my health. 

For Mother's day I finally entered the 21st century and got my first smart phone. I went withthe Galaxy S5 (major upgrade from my LG envy) and downloaded an app to keep a food diary in, it even has a bar code scanner to quickly add nutrition info into the diary. So I'm going to track my food for a couple of weeks to keep me honest and thoughtful about what it is I'm eating. Hopefully if I have to log it into my phone I'll think twice about eating nutritionally empty food.

Money is also going to be tight for the next few weeks. I spent a LOT last week. In addition to my new phone, we also got one for Mr. Man and YaYa. And since Verizon was running a promotion we got 2 free tablets that weren't really free because we had to pay activation fees for the phone numbers they gave us to go with them. And I paid for The Boy's summer camp (5 weeks for the low low price of $800!) so I could get the early registration discount. Not to mention a trip to the movies these days for a family of 3 is over $50 easy....

SO tomorrow I am going to Aldi's for my weekly shopping. I used to go there much more often but since our budget has improved I've been going more and more to the regular grocery store which is way more expensive. I also think that I was eating better when I shopped Aldi's because they don't have as many convenient foods or shiny packages and end cap displays all designed to make me eat foods I've decided I don't want to eat any more. I have to buy more ingredients and put more effort into cooking meals when I'm shopping there so it's naturally more conducive to keeping me mindful of what I'm consuming.

So for the week-
Weight - 251.4
Waist - 42
Hips -51
Bust -46
Thighs - 28
Arms - 17

Stress!

OK, It's been a rough week. It's looking more and more like my job is going to require that I travel for no other reason than they just want me to travel. And since The Boy is still fairly young, I am really reluctant to do that. At the same time, I've been looking on-line and there appears to be a deficient number of jobs that are within commuting distance and pay in the right scale. So I am in a bit of a quandary right now.

I could move closer to where the jobs are, but the rentals in that area are about $400 more a month than where I am now. I can rent a nice place and send him to public school. I'd probably go with the latter since the reason we're doing the whole Catholic school thing anyway is because the school district where we are now is so horrible.
The one pro that my job has going for it though is that it's close to home. So I can drive my son to school on the morning and I'm home from work at 5. Even moving, I'll probably still have  30-40 minute drive each way, which means I wont get home until closer to 6. And who is to say if I"ll get the same 8-5 hours.....  So I could end up moving only to be paying more for rent, end up having to suck it up and keep the job, but now I would have to drive further and not spend as much time with my son on a daily basis....

On the one hand traveling shouldn't be that big of a deal. The Boy is 6 now and will get used to it. It wouldn't be for more than a night at a time. And as long as it's not that often he will get over it. I blame it on  him, but I think it's really a fear of meeting new people and doing face to face business with customers that is bothering me... I have a little bit of social anxiety and am really very shy, so the idea of a sales call is kind of freaking me out a bit. But it might be good to break out of my comfort zone. I just don't know what to do...UGH. I am totally stressed out.

But with all that stress I'm still trying to eat well at the same time. And it seems to be paying off. I don't have new pics, I'm thinking of doing the progress pics monthly so it's more noticeable a difference. But my measurements are going down, so that's good.

Weight - 250.6
Waist - 43
Hips -51
Bust -47
Thighs - 28
Arms - 17

 

From disordered to normal.....my first steps.

So I've been thinking about why I've quit so many times before.

Is it because it's too hard? Is it because I don't know what to do? Is it a character defect and I'm just lacking the prerequisite will-power?
It's certainly not because I've suddenly gained a super charged metabolism that suddenly allows me to eat all I want without gaining a pound.
(I wish)
No. I think that the reason I quit is because "dieting" is such an unnatural way to live.
Don't get me wrong, almost all diets work if you follow them. I've lost weight on Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, The Mayo Clinic diet, even the Cabbage soup diet.
But then after a time I grew tired of them and quit. I gave myself all manner of reasonable excuses why it was ok to stop following such and such diet and convinced myself that it was ok to "take a break."

Then the inevitable happened, I ate everything I wasn't "allowed" to eat on my diet. I gorged on cupcakes and cookies. I made pork tenderloins wrapped in bacon for Sunday dinners. Ice cream, real sugar, white bread, pasta, butter, pancakes, muffins, donuts, candy, you name it, I ate it.

And I would be ashamed of my eating. I would feel guilty about it.

I would eat in secret. Go through the drive through and sit in my car while I ate it alone, so no one could judge me for being weak.

And I gained, more than I had lost each time.

When I went on my first real diet I was maybe 15 pounds over my ideal weight. Over the course of the last 20 years of yo-yo dieting I am now approximately 85 pounds over my ideal weight.
Not exactly a success story am I?

For me, dieting created a dysfunctional relationship with food. My eating became disordered. I was no longer eating for health or energy or even pleasure. Meal times became dark and stressful. Who can live like this?
                                                   
So while this blog is in part about me trying to lose weight. I am NOT going to go on a diet. Instead I am going to try to change my relationship with food back to a more natural one. I've given some thought about what steps need to be taken to make that a reality.

1st - Pause to think about why I want to eat something. Is it because I'm hungry? Tired? Bored? Upset? Then see if there are other actions I could take that would make more sense than snacking.
2nd - Stop thinking of food in terms of "good" and "bad". I can eat anything I want as long as the reason I want to eat it is related to real hunger and not another reason. See step 1 above.
3rd - Recognize that real food will fill me better and give me more energy than junk food. When choosing what foods to eat, I want to take quality into consideration, choosing nutrient dense foods that will leave me feeling satisfied and not run down. That's not to say that cookies are off limits, but they are a treat, not a meal choice.


There is more that I need to do of course, but I don't want to overwhelm myself. So for now, I'm going to focus on the 3 items above and see where that gets me. 

 

This is me.

 Hi there.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a wife, a mother and about to turn 40 this summer. I'm also fatter than I've ever been. My cholesterol is high. My knees hurt when walking up stairs. I can't get comfortable at night to sleep. My self confidence is suffering at work, and my sex life is virtually non-existent at the moment.  I need to make a change. When I look at all that needs to happen to return to my vibrant, sexy self - I'm completely overwhelmed. I have no patience for the long haul. No vision of what the future holds. So I figure it's best that I tackle this in smaller bits and pieces. So here's what I'm going to do. Every week, I'm going to take a moment to post my weight, my measurements and a short post to let you (and me) know how I'm doing. Hopefully, after 52 posts, by this time next year I'll be the best version of myself that I can be- a healthy weight, in control of my life, and ready to take on this next phase of my life.

It was hard to see the photos above. But it needed to be seen. It's only going to get better from here.


Starting point.
Weight - 255.4
Waist - 45
Hips -51
Bust -47.5
Thighs - 29
Arms - 17