From disordered to normal.....my first steps.

So I've been thinking about why I've quit so many times before.

Is it because it's too hard? Is it because I don't know what to do? Is it a character defect and I'm just lacking the prerequisite will-power?
It's certainly not because I've suddenly gained a super charged metabolism that suddenly allows me to eat all I want without gaining a pound.
(I wish)
No. I think that the reason I quit is because "dieting" is such an unnatural way to live.
Don't get me wrong, almost all diets work if you follow them. I've lost weight on Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, The Mayo Clinic diet, even the Cabbage soup diet.
But then after a time I grew tired of them and quit. I gave myself all manner of reasonable excuses why it was ok to stop following such and such diet and convinced myself that it was ok to "take a break."

Then the inevitable happened, I ate everything I wasn't "allowed" to eat on my diet. I gorged on cupcakes and cookies. I made pork tenderloins wrapped in bacon for Sunday dinners. Ice cream, real sugar, white bread, pasta, butter, pancakes, muffins, donuts, candy, you name it, I ate it.

And I would be ashamed of my eating. I would feel guilty about it.

I would eat in secret. Go through the drive through and sit in my car while I ate it alone, so no one could judge me for being weak.

And I gained, more than I had lost each time.

When I went on my first real diet I was maybe 15 pounds over my ideal weight. Over the course of the last 20 years of yo-yo dieting I am now approximately 85 pounds over my ideal weight.
Not exactly a success story am I?

For me, dieting created a dysfunctional relationship with food. My eating became disordered. I was no longer eating for health or energy or even pleasure. Meal times became dark and stressful. Who can live like this?
                                                   
So while this blog is in part about me trying to lose weight. I am NOT going to go on a diet. Instead I am going to try to change my relationship with food back to a more natural one. I've given some thought about what steps need to be taken to make that a reality.

1st - Pause to think about why I want to eat something. Is it because I'm hungry? Tired? Bored? Upset? Then see if there are other actions I could take that would make more sense than snacking.
2nd - Stop thinking of food in terms of "good" and "bad". I can eat anything I want as long as the reason I want to eat it is related to real hunger and not another reason. See step 1 above.
3rd - Recognize that real food will fill me better and give me more energy than junk food. When choosing what foods to eat, I want to take quality into consideration, choosing nutrient dense foods that will leave me feeling satisfied and not run down. That's not to say that cookies are off limits, but they are a treat, not a meal choice.


There is more that I need to do of course, but I don't want to overwhelm myself. So for now, I'm going to focus on the 3 items above and see where that gets me.